


The Perils of the Tasty Network

by youvebeenscuppered



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Watcher (web series)
Genre: Buzzfeed, Comedy, Dirty Talk, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining Shane Madej, Ryan Bergara Loves Shane Madej, Ryan Freaks Out Too, Shane Didn’t Think Ryan Liked Men But He Was Wrong, Shane Freaks Out But Everything Is Okay, Shane Madej & Ryan Bergara - Freeform, Shane Madej Being an Idiot, Shane Madej Is So Whipped, Shane Madej Loves Ryan Bergara, Shane Madej/Ryan Bergara - Freeform, There’s A Lot Of Penis Touching, They Jack Off Together, but like, its fun, shane-centric, very minor angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:20:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24171199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youvebeenscuppered/pseuds/youvebeenscuppered
Summary: Shane and Ryan are accidentally labelled as a couple in a Buzzfeed video. It’s a train-wreck, until it’s not, and Shane wants to die, until he doesn’t. It’s a barrel of laughs all round.
Relationships: Ryan Bergara & Shane Madej, Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej
Comments: 47
Kudos: 496
Collections: The Ghosts Are Watching





	The Perils of the Tasty Network

**Author's Note:**

> This story is vaguely based off a prompt I received on my previous fic, Lucky Number Five, that asked for Ryan and Shane coming out as a couple in the most obnoxious way possible, left by user RedLlamas. I took that idea and went “but what if it was accidental!!!” because I’m a sucker for Buzzfeed fucking up.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy it, there’s like the teeniest bit of angst but mostly it’s all for shits and giggles. The whole story will be told from Shane’s point of view, in the third person. Enjoy!

Shane was - Shane was _not_ freaking out, thank you very much. The whole thing could be considered rather funny if he was, you know, just a tad more optimistic. As it currently stood though, he was staring at his laptop screen, at the slow and painful demise of his last shred of internet credibility. 

Fucking _Buzzfeed_ , man.

Hey, maybe all of this was his fault? Maybe he should have known better than to let himself and Ryan agree to do one of those stupid taste test videos for Buzzfeed. They weren’t interns anymore, they weren’t even totally employed by Buzzfeed, but _hey_ , they’d said, _why not?_

Shane dropped his head into his hands. What sweet summer children they were. What _fools_.

Shane wondered if this was what it felt like to see a train coming off the rails, knowing with absolute certainty that a terrible crash was on the way, but unable to tear your eyes away from metal bending, breaking, destroying everything in its path.

Or maybe he was being just a _touch_ melodramatic.

Whatever. It was certainly _bad_.

Shane blinked in the tired light of his laptop screen, knowing he should call Ryan, call the producers, call _Buzzfeed_ , and get the video taken down. He knew objectively that those were the correct steps, but he also knew that this particular damage had already been done. 

In front of him, in the pallid light of the setting sun, his laptop screen was very clear in its message. It was open to YouTube, to the Buzzfeed page, where a video uploaded ten minutes ago blinked at him, uncompromising, not going away no matter how hard Shane wished it. 

The video was paused at 0:03 seconds, still on the first frame of the cold open. Three seconds was the amount of time it had taken Shane to realise.

He was looking at his own face on the screen, Ryan’s next to him as they made some dumb bit that had been super-cut into the intro. They were laughing. They looked happy.

And all of that was fine with Shane, all of that was truly fine, had it not also been true that the video title clearly read ‘COUPLES TRY FOOD FROM THE TASTY NETWORK”.

_Fuck._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“We aren’t - we’re not a _couple_ , Katy, do you know the shitstorm that this has already caused?” 

After a few minutes, Shane had managed to get his act together and call one of the Buzzfeed producers. The video was still up, thirteen minutes after upload. Shane was scrolling quickly through the comments, the only thing that anyone was talking about was the fucking title that fucking implied that he and Ryan fucking Bergara were a _fucking couple. Fuck._

The comments were bad, too. 

**bonesandboogaras:**  
_I always knew the Ghoul Boys were together! Fucking called it!!!_

**DripDrive28942:**  
_you mean those freaks are dating? gross_

Shane was maybe panicking just a little bit, because it wasn’t like, you know, he wasn’t _afraid_ , but this was most certainly going to have repercussions for both him and Ryan, who he still hadn’t mustered up the courage to call, because _oh yeah, they weren’t fucking dating_.

“Shane, I’m aware that this is bad. I’m trying to get in contact with the office, but it’s a Friday night and none of the higher ups are answering.”

Shane kept reading the comments, unable to stop. The video had been up for fifteen minutes now.

**goatmansbridgeismine:**  
_Oh my god, I’m so happy for them!!! They’re such a cute couple <3_

**dandelionsforShane:**  
_unconventional way to come out, guys, but we support you!!_

That one hurt the most. People were - some people were being rude, but mostly people were being so _nice_ and _supportive_ and it was so fucked up because all their congratulations and love were based on a fake goddamn pretence because _he and Ryan were not together._

“Katy, we have to figure this out. It’s already done so much damage, we have to get the video taken down.” 

Shane could hear that his voice was tight and panicked and - and yeah, maybe he was a little shaken up, and Jesus Christ, he’d never expected his life to go so far down the shithole that he was crying on the phone to a Buzzfeed producer on a Friday evening.

“Look,” Katy said, business-like, voice crackling over the line, “There are very few people who have access to the uploads of the Buzzfeed network. I’m gonna do my best to get in contact with someone and get it taken down. It could take a few hours.” 

She paused. Shane could almost feel the heat of her sympathy bleeding across his cheek though his phone.

“I suggest you talk to Ryan, and maybe get some measures in place to mitigate the damage. Make a public statement or something.” 

Shane sighed, shoving his laptop away from himself and leaning back in his chair, the window next to his desk glossy in the setting sun. It was a view he normally enjoyed, but right now he could have been staring at a brick wall for all he cared.

“How does something like this happen, Katy?” He said quietly, scrubbing a hand over his face. The line was quiet for a moment.

“I don’t know.” Katy eventually said, sounding tired. “I doubt it’s malicious. Either way, we’ll get to the bottom of it.” 

She paused for a moment before clearing her throat. 

“I’m gonna go make some calls. Talk to Ryan.” 

The line disconnected.

Shane turned around in his chair, staring out at the pavement turning blue in the low evening light. 

He’d had no missed calls from Ryan, which meant he likely didn’t know yet. Shane knew exactly where he’d be, sweating it out at the gym, phone on silent. Just as well, because Shane’s phone looked like it was about to blow up with the number of messages coming in on all sides, full of congratulations, of support, people saying they always knew, people saying they were _happy that the two of them finally realised_.

It wasn’t - it wasn’t like Shane was _stupid_. He knew that his relationship with Ryan was an extremely close one, he knew that some people looked at their friendship as if it was something more and that - that was _fine_. It genuinely didn’t bother him, people were mostly respectful, and in some ways it felt like a compliment because Ryan Bergara was, objectively, a hot piece of ass. People thought Shane could tap that. People believed Shane had been tapping that for _years_ , but it just wasn’t true. 

They were just - they were _friends_. Close friends. Best friends, even, friends willing to start a company together and mould their careers around one another and do all of the lovely and difficult stuff that comes along with being best friends, and Shane _loved it_. He loved being Ryan’s friend, loved poking and prodding at all of his weak points on camera, degrading his theories, making him scramble like an idiot and laughing with him as, just as effectively, Ryan was able to poke and prod him right back. 

And like, yeah, maybe at the beginning of their friendship Shane had been just a _teensy_ bit attracted to him, because the man had good teeth and nice hair and gave Shane beautiful mega-watt smiles, but hey. Shane had dealt with it. Ryan still smiled at him like he was the funniest person on the planet, had cut and grown his nice hair, had aged and worked and lived with Shane over the years and - and it was _great_. 

Shane had accepted, dutifully and gracefully, that Ryan didn’t like him like that. And that was honestly the best decision to make professionally, and now they were high-functioning, very mature, _adult_ best friends, thank you very much.

Shane had, of course, seen the comments. He knew what people thought of him and Ryan, knew that people suspected and theorised. And yeah, maybe some of their interactions didn’t seem like, _super_ platonic, but they were just comfortable with one another, and neither of them were interested in wearing that suit of toxic masculinity as a prison.

But this was just - this was _mean_. This was making people believe things that weren’t true at all, he and Ryan did not joke as they ate semi-decent food from the Tasty department and then go home together, as a couple, as a partnership. It wasn’t the case. There were no _fleures d’amour_ blooming between him and Ryan, no fireworks or sparks colliding or whatever bullshit in the space between their bodies. It was _Ryan_. Maybe Shane was sometimes a little distracted by his beautiful-muscle-boy body, and how Ryan kept putting his hands on Shane at any given opportunity, and how Ryan laughed and called him _daddy_ just to piss him off, but that was neither here nor there. Shane could swallow all of that, could brush it off and enjoy their friendship like the comedy gods intended.

Shane drifted back to his desk, realised the video had been up for twenty three minutes now and he still hadn’t called Ryan. He was prevaricating, he knew that. Procrastinating. Putting it off. Evading. Trying to get away- 

He cut himself off, not allowing himself to spiral like he so desperately wanted to do. Sighing, he put his phone on Do Not Disturb, trying to vigilantly ignore the 347-and-counting messages he had received on Instagram. 

He clicked onto his favourites, and dialed Ryan. 

The phone rang for a while, just long enough that Shane began to both hope and dread that he wouldn’t answer, but then Ryan’s breathless voice was cutting onto the line.

“Hey buddy, I’ve still got two sets left, is it urgent?” 

Shane had been right then, Ryan was at the gym. He evidently hadn’t looked at his phone. 

“Shane?” Ryan’s voice was crackly though the line, and Shane could imagine his face, the perfect picture of confusion, so innocent of the shit-storm that Shane was the unfortunate bearer of.

“Ryan, we’ve got a problem.” 

“Did you mean to call Houston?” Ryan was cracking a joke, albeit a bad one, but despite everything it made Shane smile. 

“No, uh. We’ve really got a problem. You might wanna step out of the gym.” 

Shane heard Ryan immediately start walking over the call, his shoes squeaking on the floor and things rustling, presumably him packing up his things. 

“Shane, what’s happened? Are you alright? Do you need me to come over?” Ryan’s voice was low and put-together, efficient. 

_You have no idea,_ Shane thought as he stared blankly at his office wall. 

“Just stay on the line, let me know when you’re packed up and out of the gym.” 

“Okay.” Ryan said quietly, easily, the rustling getting louder as Shane guessed he had put his phone into his pocket to gather up his stuff. After a minute, Shane could hear walking again, and then the background noise of strip-lights buzzing faded out and a door swung closed. Rustling again. 

“Okay, I’m outside.” Ryan’s voice was a little breathless, and Shane figured he had rushed himself to get back to the phone.

“Okay,” Shane said, figuring it was better to just come out with it. “You know that video we filmed with Buzzfeed a few weeks ago? The one with the Tasty food? It uh, it got uploaded.” 

Ryan made a noise of agreement, clearly prompting Shane to keep talking. Shane clearly and distinctly felt the bottom of his own stomach drop out from beneath him, and then he said, 

“And the title says something like ‘Couples Taste Test Tasty Food’.” 

Ryan was silent, oddly and disturbingly silent on the other end of the line, so Shane pressed on.

“I’ve no idea what happened, but essentially the title implies that the pairs in the video are all couples, and, uh, we’re one of those pairs.” 

Ryan was still silent.

“ _Ta da._ ” Shane said, weakly, doing limp jazz hands that Ryan definitely couldn’t see, considering he was on the other end of the phone. He would do anything, Shane realised, anything at all to not be in this moment right now. He’d rather admit ghosts are real on camera or get his balls waxed than do this again. 

“I’m coming over.” Ryan said eventually, and Shane heard the sound of him striding to his car. He didn’t sound - _upset_ , per se, but his voice was tight and controlled and so, so far away from the patented Bergara excitement and animation that Shane had grown used to over the years. He was clipped. Shane preferred him unclipped.

He heard Ryan’s car door shutting. “Don’t go anywhere.” Ryan said, turning his engine on. 

Shane listened to the dull clanking of cylinders over the line and smiled absently at the wall.

“Where would I go?” 

He heard Ryan huff out a laugh before the call cut, and Shane went about gathering all the popcorn he had in the house, because he and Ryan were gonna need to pull out the big guns to get past the great hulking mass of awkward that was looming over their heads.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Shane opened the door, it was to the smell of fresh popcorn, with a crumpled, sweaty Ryan Bergara standing on the other side of it.

“Pizza delivery.” Ryan said weakly, a ghost of a smile gracing his lips at his own godawful joke.

Despite their situation, Shane snorted, opening the door and letting Ryan through. He picked up the bowl of popcorn on their way back to the sofa, settling down at opposite ends and facing one another in a configuration that all felt oddly formal to Shane. It was so unlike a few nights ago, when Ryan had let himself into his apartment with the key Shane had given him at some point, for some reason, and had flopped down in front of Shane’s TV with him. He hadn’t even texted that he was coming over, he just showed up with all those white teeth and all that boyish charm and Shane hadn’t even thought about it. With Ryan sitting opposite him now, stiff as a board and looking mighty uncomfortable and slightly like he was about to vomit, it was almost two different people.

“I haven’t checked my phone yet.” Ryan said, fiddling with his fingers in his lap, and Shane’s heart was breaking because he looked so off-kilter, so unsure. “Maybe I should just throw the damn thing away.” 

Shane smiled, the tension in his body beginning to bleed away just a little as he saw Ryan’s shoulders relax minutely. 

“I wish you had that attitude towards the spirit box.” 

Ryan huffed out a laugh, shoulders slumping. He reached forward, taking some popcorn. In Shane’s head, it was symbolic of an agreement to work through this together, a sort of popcorn-esque breaking of bread. _Or maybe he was reading a little too much into things._

“Go on then, big guy,” said Ryan, shovelling a disgustingly large handful of popcorn into his gaping maw. “Start from the top and fill me in.” 

Shane cleared his throat, setting his shoulders back. 

“There are four pairs of people in the video. To be fair, every other pair is actually a couple - it’s Rie and her boyfriend, Devon and her boyfriend, and Andrew and Steven. Obviously someone’s notes got mixed up along the way, because the title clearly says ‘couples’ in great big Buzzfeed letters. I don’t know how something like that happens, but there you go.” 

Ryan breathed a disbelieving laugh, shaking his head. Shane continued.

“I called Katy to try and get it taken down. It’s a Friday night, so, uh - I don’t know how successful she’s gonna be in getting in contact with someone authorised, but she’s trying. It should be down in a couple of hours.” 

Ryan looked strangely calm, which was really kind of bullshit to Shane, because the man was scared of _incorporeal entities_ that _weren’t even real_ but was apparently totally chill with their careers taking a one-way trip to tank-town.

“I’m assuming all the damage has been done already.” Ryan said, running his hand through his hair. Shane nodded gamely.

Ryan sighed, chuckling a little, and Shane was confused because there was a lot less melting-down and confusion and general anger than he had expected.

“What are the comments like?” 

Shane swallowed. He’d been really dreading that particular question.

“That’s the worst part. Everyone is - most people are being so nice about it. They’re all congratulating us and being supportive and saying shit like - like _’So glad you two finally figured it out!’_ , whatever that means. It’s kind of heart-breaking, to know that it’s not, you know -”

Shane cut himself off, looking down at his hands and taking a handful of popcorn as what he personally considered to be an excellent defense mechanism against looking at Ryan’s face. 

“They’re giving us praise for something we haven’t earned.” Ryan finished for him, quietly, sounding thoughtful. Shane nodded. 

“No offence, dude,” Shane started, his voice coming out annoyingly wobbly, “But why aren’t you freaking out a little more? Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you’re not swinging the Bergara Biceps at me in some form of misguided repressed anger, but I thought you’d be, I don’t know, a bit more... concerned?” 

Ryan was looking at him like he was a giant, terrified animal, which really wasn’t too far off from the truth, actually. 

“It’s just a mistake, Shane. People are gonna be mad at us, sure, and someone’ll probably get fired for the mistake, but it’s still only a mistake.” 

“You said ‘mistake’ three times.” Said Shane, numbly. Ryan huffed out a laugh.

“Because that’s all it is. We should plan some kind of video probably, to tell everyone it’s not true, deal with that shitstorm, get the video renamed and then move on. Not a big deal.” 

“Sorry,” said Shane, brain whirring with the incongruity of Ryan being the rational one and himself acting as the shit-scared baby. “Sorry, since when were you so rational? Seriously, Ryan, you’re making me feel kinda weird for freaking out, here. I thought you’d be all aboard the freak-out train with me, but you’re like, still standing on the platform.” Shane was aware on some embarrassing level that he was babbling, but he was a little preoccupied with _why the fuck Ryan wasn’t reacting, like, at all._

“Shane, calm down. It’s not that big of a deal. So what if people think we’re together for a few hours? They’re gonna be disappointed when they find out it’s not true, sure, but other than that it doesn’t bother me.” 

“It doesn’t bother you?” Shane said, apparently only currently capable of a two-year-old’s capacity to parrot back speech. _Wonderful._

“No, not really. Does it bother you?” Ryan was still eating popcorn like nothing was amiss, and though Shane could feel the edges of his panic receding like the tide, it was honestly a little _unnerving_ to see Ryan so calm.

“I mean, no, it doesn’t bother me.” 

Ryan tilted his head, smiling a little.

“So why do you look like you’ve seen a ghost?” 

Shane immediately unclenched his shoulders, pulling his hands apart from where they had been fiddling with one another in his lap. _This, he could do._

“According to you I see ghosts all the time and look normal, so actually this is what I look like when I’ve been razzed by something real.” 

“I’ve never seen you properly razzed before,” Ryan said, grinning as Shane took another handful of popcorn. “It’s honestly kind of enjoyable.” 

Shane laughed, trying not to choke on popcorn kernels. 

“And you surprise me, Ryan. You’re not razzed at all. You’ve got a distinct lack of razz.” 

Ryan shrugged. “We can’t both be razzed at once, it’ll never work. We’re like those guards, you know, except instead of truth-telling, if one of us is razzed, the other can’t be.”

Shane shook his head, rolling his eyes. “Pretty sure you butchered that metaphor.” 

“It’s not a metaphor, it’s a riddle, and -”

“Oh _come on_ , you’re really gonna call me up on the fact that your stupid metaphor that doesn’t fit is actually a riddle? Who does that?” 

“Me, you dick, because it’s a riddle, not a metaphor.” 

Shane was laughing, but that was okay because Ryan was too, and the whole thing was so absurd because they had just slipped into bantering with one another like nothing was wrong whilst their careers fell in burning tatters around them.

Shane moved the now mostly empty bowl onto the coffee table, scooting forward a little so he was closer to Ryan, facing him sideways on the sofa.

Ryan was still smiling, residual laughter staining his cheeks a truly lovely shade of pink, and it took a worryingly large amount of Shane’s self control to not lean forward and plant a kiss on Ryan’s cheek, just to see if maybe he could get the pink to turn a few shades darker and _okay, time to stop thinking dangerous thoughts now, Shane._

“Would it really be so bad if we just let them believe it?” Shane heard himself say, and huh, that’s funny, he didn’t recall giving his brain permission to say that. Ryan seemed to take it as a joke though, because he was smiling at Shane widely, those pretty white teeth reflective in the low light of Shane’s living room.

“What, just pretend to be together when we’re on camera? Sounds fun, big guy, but it also sounds like a lot of work.” Ryan pushed a hand through his hair, and Shane tried desperately to ignore how his eyes automatically slipped to Ryan’s bicep, pulled taut, dragging his eyes away after a fraction of a second to try and hide that his brain was just flashing “ _Biceps! Big biceps! Muscles! Tan! Big! Hot!”_ in giant neon letters. 

God, Shane needed to get himself under control, because he apparently wasn’t over his not-so-minuscule crush like, _at all_. 

Ryan shifted forward a little on the sofa, drawing a leg up to lean forward on, further into Shane’s space.

“Would we have to fake fight on camera, d’you think? To really sell that we’re together?” Ryan was grinning, the look on his face could only be described as _mischievous_ , and Shane was having a hard time processing any of it because if he didn’t know any better, he would say that Ryan was _flirting_. That didn’t make any sense though, because Ryan did not like men. Ryan did not _flirt_ with men. Ryan certainly did not flirt with Shane because he was a) a man and b) _Shane_. Ryan did not lean forward over his own thigh on Shane’s sofa to smirk at him though his lashes, coquettish and blunt, but apparently that was exactly what Ryan did because _that’s what was happening._

Shane snapped back into the conversation, desperately trying to remember what they had been talking about. Fighting or something? For the first time in a long time, Shane felt wrong-footed, felt like he had missed a trick, like he was one step behind in conversation with Ryan. 

“Don’t you think we do enough real fighting already?” Shane asked, voice coming out quiet and obviously affected and _fuck_ , if he was going for casual he was missing it by a goddamn _mile_.

Ryan huffed out a laugh, leaning back a little, and Shane felt like he could breathe slightly more with the extra few inches of space between his and Ryan’s face. _What the fuck was going on?_ If Ryan was - if Ryan really was flirting, maybe Shane could finally tell him how he felt, that it wasn’t just a bit for him and he wasn’t joking, but everything felt balanced precariously on an axe-blade and Shane had the distinct feeling that one push in the wrong direction would send them both tumbling to kingdom come.

“Are you still freaking out?” Ryan asked him, tone a little kinder, a little more serious. Shane _was_ freaking out, but it wasn’t about the video anymore, he couldn’t give less of a shit about that right now because he was trying to figure out what to do in the Earth-stopping eventuality that Ryan Bergara might actually be flirting with him. Shane felt the odd sudden compulsion to fix his hair.

“I’m not freaking out.” Shane said, and as far as his acting attempts went it wasn’t the worst he’d ever done, but it was damn close.

“Liar.” Said Ryan, smiling and leaning forward again, and _oh good, there went all his breath again_. “If it helps, I’m a little freaked out,” Ryan said, splaying his fingers against the sofa cushions. “We should probably be managing this with a lot more haste than we currently are.”

This was just - this was _ridiculous_. All of Shane’s carefully constructed fronts and denials and reasons that he and Ryan couldn’t be together, like Ryan not liking men and Ryan not being into him and Shane believing that he would never even come close to anything beyond their casual, a-little-too-friendly-when-drunk touches, they were all crumbling into dust. This was so unlike the past-Ryan that looked at the camera every time anything was even remotely implied to say _“That made it sound like we’re a couple, we’re not a couple.”_ This was a little more like the recent Ryan, who compared them to an old married couple on camera, who called Shane the most interesting person he knew, who spent days trying to one-up him in a tour of what were essentially dates around L.A.

This whole time Ryan had apparently just said _fuck it_ and thrown caution to the wind, not caring about all of Shane’s meticulously built walls, not caring about how precarious their position was, not caring that if they did this it would be it, for Shane, it would be the only thing he would want for the rest of his slice of time on Earth.

Shane was looking at Ryan’s face, grown quiet, still smiling with the spark of that low-level mischief and it was making Shane’s blood boil because he _had_ to know what this was doing to Shane, had to know that he was kicking Shane around the room like an emotional rag doll.

And you know what? If Ryan could decide to not care, if Ryan could decide to just say _fuck it_ and do whatever he wanted, flirt with Shane like it wasn’t tearing him apart, flex his biceps like it wasn’t an especially cruel test of Shane’s self control - well, Shane could too. Shane could say _fuck it_ if that’s what they were doing now, if they were throwing out all the very good reasons that this was a very bad idea and flirting with one another like they were being paid for it. Shane was _game_. 

He leaned forward a little, further into Ryan’s space, heart hammering with how _daring_ it was. He brought a hand down to where Ryan’s fingers were splayed on the cushion, lining his up so just the tip of his middle finger was pressed against Ryan’s. He watched the man’s throat move as he swallowed. 

“What do you think we should do? Video’s been up for almost an hour now. People are gonna wonder why we haven’t said anything.” 

Ryan cast a glance that was attempting to be casual down at where their fingers were touching. Shane got the distinct feeling that he was engaging in some kind of pseudo-cat-and-mouse battle of wits, except instead of wits it was flirting, and Shane really wasn’t sure who was winning.

“You’re the one who suggested we just leave it,” Ryan said, and then he was _picking up Shane’s hand with his_ and kind of holding it, tracing his other hand over Shane’s fingers whilst Shane did his level-best not to implode, and oh fuck, maybe they really were doing this. “But I gotta say, it sounds like an alright plan.” 

Shane was shifting closer unconsciously, but he must have been doing it for a while because his knee was a hair’s breadth away from brushing Ryan’s and there was somehow only a foot of space between their chests. 

Ryan’s face was flushed again, and Shane knew there was an answering blush in his own cheeks which was flaring up magnificently because he was reaching his free hand up to brush a stray tuft of Ryan’s hair back into place. Shane’s brain just kinda went offline at that point, because without express permission from him his hand didn’t leave Ryan, it was hesitating in his hair before skimming fingers softly down his face, coming to rest on his jaw. His eyelashes fluttered a little with that, like he enjoyed the sensation, and Shane had to swallow to get around the lump of _want_ that was crowding his throat, words aching to be said.

Ryan was silent, but he had tilted his head so that it rested a little further in Shane’s hand, and suddenly Shane was done with this back and forth of abortive flirting and half-promises. Using their clasped hands as leverage and keeping his palm tucked firmly against Ryan’s jaw, Shane said a last internal _fuck it_ , rocked himself forward up close and personal into Ryan’s space, and kissed him.

Ryan’s lips were almost comically still against his, and Shane had the brief worry that maybe he’d read all of this incorrectly, _oh God_ , but then Ryan’s fingers were curling fast and insistent into Shane’s hair and his other hand was pressing against his ribs, using it as leverage to scoot himself closer on the couch, and _huh_. Those were definitely Ryan’s knees resting on his, and Shane was reeling a little because Ryan was a good kisser but his whole body felt like it was lighting up, the giddy feeling in his stomach mixing with the disbelief that they were actually doing this. Without thinking, Shane dropped a hand into Ryan’s thigh, tilting his head to get at more of the wet slide of Ryan’s lips against his. Ryan stiffened up as soon as Shane’s hand made contact, and Shane drew back, surprised at himself for being so bold because yep, that was in fact his own treacherous hand curled onto Ryan’s upper thigh. 

Shane remembered he was meant to be saying something and shook his head, managing to get out “Sorry, I, uh -.” 

Ryan cut him off, eyes bright, pupils large, cheeks pink, smiling something wicked before leaning in to press tentative kisses to Shane’s lips, short ones that had Shane leaning forward back into his space. 

“I like it.” He muttered between kisses, like he was sharing a secret, like Shane’s hand on his thigh wasn’t tearing down every brick wall in Shane’s head like a demolishing project. 

The hand that was resting in Shane’s hair suddenly curled up, Ryan’s fingers gripping and _pulling_ until Shane was all the way back in his business, tongue sliding over Ryan’s teeth, hand inching ever so slightly higher on his thigh and Shane was maybe about to choke on his own tongue because apparently being dragged by his hair back to Ryan’s mouth was doing it for him.

“Are we really - I mean, are we gonna -“ Shane managed to get out between kisses.

_“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!”_ his brain chanted, wanting desperately to just _have it_ and not have to question why too closely. 

Ryan’s hand loosened in his hair, and Shane couldn’t help the pathetic noise of disappointment that hummed out of his mouth as he pulled his face back, moving his face away from Shane, away from where Shane wanted him to be. _Now you’ve done it._

Shane tightened the hand that was still apparently glued to Ryan’s thigh.

Ryan looked ruffled and warm and practically _edible_ , and Shane tried his best to suppress the blatant appreciation that he was sure was on his face. “I don’t - I’m not sure what this is, Shane, to be honest.” There was a hint of amusement in his voice.

“It’s probably a bad idea.” Shane heard himself say, mentally slapping himself for refusing to just _shut the fuck up_.

Ryan was smiling wry. “It’s almost certainly a bad idea, buddy, but it’s not like we aren’t known for those.”

Shane’s throat was suddenly tight, because Ryan was giving him permission without really knowing what he was signing up for, and as much as Shane apparently wanted to get on a first name basis with Ryan’s body, it wasn’t just that. Shane hated that that was true, but it was. He couldn’t just have sex with the man and have it not mean anything, couldn’t go back to casual touches and platonic I-love-you’s like he didn’t know what Ryan’s tongue felt like, sliding across his teeth. Shane realised how well and truly fucked he was, because there was no way he could look at Ryan and not want him, couldn’t go back to that distant pining and safety net of perceived impossibility.

Ryan knocked on his forehead gently with two knuckles.

“Don’t get lost in there, Shane. I can’t follow you into your own brain.” 

Shane focused back on Ryan, feeling blown wide open and visible from all angles, feeling like Ryan was looking and _seeing_ him, watching all of Shane’s pathetic emotions swim behind his eyes.

“Tell me what you’re thinking.” Ryan said gently, sliding a hand down to rest calm and heavy on Shane’s shoulder. Shane clearly and distinctly felt each one of his ribs splinter with the aching love trying to claw its way up from his heart and out of his mouth, and then he was talking.

“I don’t want this to be a bad idea. I want you to want me like I want you, I want to, you know, get all up on that, but I can’t do that unless you know that it isn’t just sex, I’m embarrassingly and obviously - my feelings for you are so obvious. I want that video to be true, I want us to be a couple an alarming amount considering we run a company together and it’s so embarrassing, I can’t hide anything from you, I couldn’t build enough walls to keep you out and I -”

Shane clamped his mouth shut, nothing but distant alarm bells ringing in his brain because there was a _reason_ why he was always chill and cool and measured with his words. There was a reason he didn’t allow his mouth to run away with him.

Ryan looked stunned. It was a good look on him, but Shane thought every look was a good look on him, so.

“You’re an idiot.” Ryan said, and that was not what Shane expected at all. He opened his mouth to say something probably embarrassing again, but Ryan cut him off.

“You’re such an idiot, you know that?” 

Shane shut his mouth. He nodded, because it was true, although he wasn’t sure which specific aspect of his idiocy Ryan was referring to. 

Ryan shook his head, grinning.

“You think I’m someone who would sleep with you just because you offered it? You think I’m a brazen whore?” 

“‘Whore’ is a sexist and derogatory -”

“Don’t dodge the question, Shane.” 

Shane huffed, trying to keep his surprised laughter behind his teeth. 

“I don’t think you’re a brazen whore, Ryan.” 

Ryan shook his head again, his smile so fond that it was maybe breaking Shane apart a little. 

“Idiot. I wouldn’t just sleep with you for shits and gigs, you’re not that charming. I just - I felt, you know, maybe some things were changing in our relationship and I wasn’t sure how to bring it up.”

Ryan swallowed a little, seeming to gather his resolve. Shane held his breath like the love-sick bastard he was.

“You were always so _aloof_ , so _casual_ , I could never tell what you really wanted. It took the public declaration of a romantic relationship between us to make me brave enough and you panicked enough to admit we might like one.” 

Shane let out a surprised breath of laughter, because Christ, it was true.

“Never thought I’d see the day that Buzzfeed forced my hand.” Shane offered, and Ryan laughed.

Shane belatedly realised that his hand was still very much curled onto Ryan’s upper thigh, and there was no way that Ryan missed the tiny spasm of his fingers or his eyes minutely flicking down to look. 

Suddenly, Shane had had quite enough of talking.

“Is this the part where I say something lewd?” Ryan asked, thigh shifting ever so slightly under Shane’s touch. 

“I think I could get behind that.” Shane said, smirking.

Ryan’s eyes widened.

“You - I said _I_ would say something lewd, oh my god.” 

“What are you gonna do?” Shane asked, snaking his other hand over to rest on Ryan’s hip, feeling flirty and dangerous and all around like he was about to make the most tempting of mistakes. “Call HR on me?” 

Ryan took in a shaky breath that he was valiantly trying to disguise as a cough. 

“I could have you out on your ass on Monday. File for harassment, or, or grievous bodily harm or something.” Ryan’s eyes were bright, and the bruised pink of his mouth was so distracting that Shane briefly forgot it was his turn for a witty rejoinder.

Shane pushed their faces a little closer. 

“This is grievous, is it? You consider yourself harmed bodily?” 

It was weak maybe, but Shane was feeling a little too hot around the collar to care at this point, and his dick had been at half-mast for too long to be on his A-game.

“I’ll show you harmed bodily.” Ryan muttered before pulling him forward, sliding his lips along Shane’s jaw in a way that was both extremely hot and admittedly effective, because it had Shane pulling right back, fingers pressing indents into jeans and lips seeking out Ryan’s, caught up in that inexorable wave of want that sounded like thunder in Shane’s ears.

Shane was almost overwhelmed with the giant specimen of hunky man suddenly under his hands, and he barely knew what he was doing before he was urging Ryan up, tugging him onto his knees and pulling him forward. Ryan crashed down onto Shane’s lap with all the subtlety of a bull in a china shop, but Shane considered it more than worth it when Ryan grunted against his mouth, pleased, hands curling into Shane’s hair and shirt. 

And then - and then Ryan was shifting his hips in a rhythm that could surely be considered torture in most countries, because he’d managed to wiggle his body into just the right position to ride Shane’s hips and get friction on both their dicks, and _Jesus_. Shane had been that seventeen year old in the back of a pickup truck and it had never felt this good then.

Ryan’s hands were on him, frantic and hungry and the snap of Shane’s buttons being undone against his torso kicked him into gear, had him gripping tighter onto Ryan’s hips and thrusting up in that slip-slide drag that was drawing his breath short. Ryan pushed his shirt off his shoulders and got to work on his own, lifting off the gym tank top that should have been disgusting to Shane but was somehow hot, it was somehow attractive that he was sweaty and worked up and _good Lord_ , Shane was in deeper than he’d thought if the mere presence Ryan’s sweat was exciting to him. Jesus.

Shane dragged a hand up Ryan’s taut stomach, catching a nipple with the firm slide of his palm and grinning as he noted Ryan’s shiver into their kiss. Shane drew back, breathing heavy.

“Knew that nipple thing was more than a bit, you freaky bastard.” 

Ryan eyed him with a look from where he was still grinding his hips down into Shane’s. 

“Gonna do anything about it, big guy? Or are you just gonna -”

Ryan was cut off as Shane slid his hand up further, a shocked whine edging out of his mouth as Shane placed his palm firmly against the base of Ryan’s throat, using it to lift him a little before licking over his nipple.

“Oh _fuck_ ,” Ryan muttered, hips twisting sinuously as Shane bit him gently, laving his tongue over Ryan’s chest. 

“You’re so into me,” Shane breathed, dragging his mouth wetly across Ryan’s chest to the other nipple, sucking it into his mouth before saying “You’re so into me that you want to tap this, oh my god.”

“Would’ve thought that one was pretty clear.” Ryan got out, head tilted back and throat pushed forward into Shane’s hand. His voice was strained and breathy and possibly the best thing Shane had ever heard. “You just never took my hints. You think I rub my nipples for every six foot four hipster I see?” 

Shane huffed out a laugh against Ryan’s skin that was slick, wet with his saliva, and _oh fuck_ , that thought was so hot it had Shane twitching in his jeans that were becoming so painful against his aching dick.

Ryan slid down to kiss him again, mouth wet and insistent and so fucking eager it was tearing Shane to pieces with how much he wanted it, hips still grinding up against Ryan’s so tight and smooth, Ryan’s hands gripped to the bare skin of his chest.

“We gotta move this along, Ryan, or I’m gonna come in my fucking pants.” Shane’s voice was hoarse between kisses, and Ryan made some kind of wounded noise against his mouth before drawing back, hips stilling. 

“Don’t just say shit like that to me or I’ll shoot like a fuckin’ teenager.” Ryan said, eyes wide, body twitching with pent up energy.

Shane leaned his head back against the arm rest of the couch, groaning. 

“ _Shoot?_ Oh God, you’re such a frat boy. Why do I like you so much?”

Ryan snorted, clambering off of Shane whilst barely avoiding kneeing him in the balls and offering him his hands. Shane took them, pulled to his feet. He felt dangerously off balance, and like he might need to swing his legs around his own erection. 

“Bedroom?” Ryan asked, petting a hand up Shane’s stomach, looking up at him in a way that was surely designed to ruin Shane’s life.

“Aye aye, cap’n.” Shane said, mentally punching himself in the dick for saying something so stupid. Ryan didn’t seem to mind, turning sharply on his heel to walk the ten feet to Shane’s bedroom door. Shane followed, feeling a little like he might do whatever Ryan asked of him, anything at all, as long as he got to keep this. That was a somewhat terrifying thought, and Shane parked it in the “ongoing” file in his brain to be dealt with when there weren’t impending orgasms in his near future.

Shane’s lips already felt bruised, and there was very clear stubble burn around Ryan’s mouth that shouldn’t have got Shane hot around the collar, but it did. Maybe it was the thought of putting stubble burn somewhere else on Ryan’s body, and Shane steadied himself against his bedroom doorframe as a wave of arousal slid through him, dick twitching in his jeans.

He caught eyes with Ryan who was looking at him sharply, expression full of lust and lips parted and so blatantly _wanting_ that Shane couldn’t help but go to him, drawn in like a magnetic force in his inevitable spiral towards Ryan that had begun years ago, when Ryan had first held his hand in a haunted location. He had looked at Shane with utter and abject terror, but had pulled Shane forward anyway, had continued and done better even though he was petrified and Shane had never been able to get over that bravery. He’d looked at their joined hands then and thought _“Yes, this one. This one for me.”_

Shane had never been able to capture enough of Ryan’s bravery to make that move. _Well,_ he corrected, smiling as Ryan’s hands slid onto his body, _never been brave enough until now._

Ryan was leaning up, brushing their mouths together and it had Shane moving, palms sliding over Ryan’s illegally beautiful collarbones and down, gripping over one shoulder and sliding down the taught curve of his back, Shane’s arms long enough to pluck at Ryan’s belt from over his shoulder.

Shane didn’t miss Ryan drawing in a sharp breath, arousal rocketing through him and he couldn’t help turning the kiss dirtier, dragging his tongue over the seam of Ryan’s lips before shifting his mouth down, trailing blazing kisses over his jaw and neck. When Shane bit down on the soft expanse of his throat, Ryan actually cried out, a shocked noise coming out of his mouth before he managed to clamp it shut and _oh fuck_. Shane could maybe stand to hear that a few times more. 

When he drew back Ryan leapt at his mouth, dragging Shane down into a kiss as his hands scrambled to undo his belt, and Shane barely had the presence of mind to pull away because he wanted to _watch_. Ryan’s jeans were undone at light speed and shoved down a little so Shane could very clearly see the outline of his cock through his boxers, long and _oh fuck,_ a wet spot near his hip where Ryan was staining his underwear with precome. Shane felt vaguely like he could collapse with how hot that was, and then Ryan was scrabbling at his belt too. Shane got the picture immediately.

“You want to rub off together?” Shane managed to get out as he replaced Ryan’s hands with his own, arousal making him shake as he undid his belt.

“Fuck, I just want to see you,” Ryan said, resting his forehead against Shane’s collarbones to watch him shifting his jeans down a little. Shane let out a burst of air that was strong enough to ruffle the back of Ryan’s hair, and then Ryan was pulling back and stepping so their feet were almost aligned, and yeah. Shane got the picture.

He shoved his underwear down past his hips, not caring that he probably looked ridiculous with his jeans bunched at mid-thigh because Ryan was doing the same, and huh, here they were, standing in Shane’s bedroom with their dicks out and hard, two centimetres away from _touching tips_. Maybe the Shane of a few hours ago would have laughed, but right now it wasn’t funny, it was just ridiculously hot as Shane took in the length of him, Ryan’s dick standing to attention and curved slightly to the left. 

“Fuck, you’re big.” Ryan got out, eyes fixed on Shane’s cock, and ordinarily Shane might’ve worried that it would be too much but Ryan was practically salivating. Shane tipped forward, inching a foot between Ryan’s and lining their dicks up before wrapping a hand round them both, hissing at the feeling of Ryan’s warm, wet flesh coming into contact with his own.

Ryan’s arms were wrapping around Shane’s shoulders, his dick nudging further into Shane’s palm as he bit his lip, and Shane had maybe never seen anything so fucking hot.

“Jesus, Ryan, look at that,” Shane said, moving his fist over where he and Ryan were pressed together, dick aching at the sight of it. “My hand barely fits around both of us.” 

Ryan let out a harsh whine, colour flooding his cheeks as he looked between Shane’s hand jerking them together and Shane’s face, seemingly unable to decide which one he wanted to look at more. He thrust forward a little, the hand he had on Shane’s shoulder sliding up to grip into his hair. 

“That’s so fucking hot.” Ryan said, voice husky and shivery and driving Shane insane in the best way. 

Shane started jerking them in earnest, the slip slide of his damp hand feeling so fucking good against the burning hot press of Ryan’s cock. Ryan was shifting too, unable to stop the minute movements of his hips fucking forward and that - that was _obscene_ , the slick press of him forward into Shane’s palm, graphic and potent in the best way.

Some kind of cut off noise was winding its way out of Shane’s throat and he was being pushed forward roughly, stumbling the few feet to his bed with Ryan’s arms on his shoulders, shoving the both of them down. That was so hot, it was so fucking hot and it was killing Shane, scalding clenches of arousal ricocheting through his body as Ryan straddled him thoughtlessly, right where he belonged, in Shane’s lap. 

“Thought my knees were gonna give out if we stood up much longer,” Ryan offered breathlessly, breath hitching and hips twitching as Shane doubled down on his strokes, working his hand harshly over the both of them pressed together warm and hard and wet.

Shane felt like maybe the pleasure centres in his brain were gonna explode if Ryan kept talking, but they were already well on their way just from processing the sight of Ryan sprawled out on his lap, thighs spread open as wide as his half-undone jeans allowed, hard cock spearing through Shane’s fist and slicking his hand up where it was pressed against Shane’s own dick.

“God, Ryan, you’re so - _fuck_ ,” Shane was rapidly losing the ability to articulate due to the blinding want wreaking havoc in his lungs, so he decided to communicate via the art of touch and reach a hand around to grip Ryan’s ass, fingers digging into muscle and gripping tight, dragging Ryan’s hips forward faster.

“ _Shit._ ” Ryan choked out, face screwing up for a moment before he was panting, breath sounding panicked and pleasured all at once. “Shit, you’re gonna make me come, fuck, _don’t stop_ -”

Shane let go of Ryan’s ass to lean up on one elbow, his only aim to get _closer_ as his hand stroked them in the same brutally satisfying rhythm.

“You gonna come, huh?” 

Ryan whined, head tipping back and hips snapping forward, his hands gripped bruisingly tight into Shane’s shoulders. Shane executed a particularly rough stroke where they were pressed together sticky and hot, squeezing Ryan right at the head and baring his teeth.

“Look at me.” He managed to stutter out, and Ryan’s head was tipping forward, eyes open and locked helplessly onto Shane’s face before something in him broke apart as his face crumpled. He was choking on air and coming helplessly, fingers scrabbling at Shane’s chest and thighs locked tight around his hips, painting warm stripes up Shane’s wrist and _onto his dick_ , oh _God_. 

“ _Fuck!_ ” Ryan moaned out through gritted teeth, unable to stop his hips thrusting forward rapidly, cheeks flushed brilliant red as the tide of his orgasm threatened to overwhelm him. Shane’s eyes were fixed on him, a deadly sort of hunger in his gaze as his hand movements went raggedy, face scrunching up.

“Fuck, gonna come, _fuck_ -”

Ryan didn’t have the presence of mind to string a sentence together, still shuddering in the aftershocks, but he managed to bat Shane’s hand out of the way and grip onto his dick, smooth and wet with Ryan’s come and so hard he was throbbing. Ryan tipped forward, breath burning in his throat to kiss Shane roughly, a dirty press of the mouth as he jacked him harsh and fast and then Shane was crying out against his mouth, hips arching and lifting them both off the bed before Ryan felt Shane’s come striping across his stomach. 

Shane was shuddering, body bowing at the white-hot force of his orgasm pulling through his body like fire and licking over his spine, by Ryan’s glorious hand. 

He slumped to the bed when it was over, Ryan tipping forward to rest his sweaty body against Shane’s that was no better, face buried in Shane’s neck where he was panting hotly across his throat. They lay like that for a while, Ryan’s hand trapped between them against Shane’s softening dick, which Shane maybe felt like he could laugh about provided his brain cells decided to ever function again. 

Speaking of, Ryan was chuckling a little against his chest, and Shane was about to muster the energy to be offended before Ryan pulled himself up, grinning so brightly at Shane it was like the sun coming out. 

“We didn’t even get our jeans off, man.” 

Shane snorted, the tight press of denim against his legs suddenly very prevalent because _Jesus_ , Ryan was right. 

Ryan shifted, tipping lazily off of Shane’s lap to lie next to him on the bed. Shane grabbed one of his hands, thrilled at the casual intimacy of it despite how boneless his limbs felt. 

“Maybe one of these days I’ll get those pesky jeans of yours off.” 

Ryan smirked, turning his head to face Shane.

“Promise?” 

Shane was about to rebound with a highly witty comment about eagerness and pinky promises, but then his phone was vibrating in his back pocket. Shane considered ignoring it, but Ryan nodded at him and yawned so he dug around behind him, fishing his phone out. The number wasn’t one he recognised, but he answered anyway.

“Hello?” 

“Hello, is that Shane? This is John from uploads.” 

The voice on the line was low and professional sounding, and Shane was having a tough time getting his sex-addled brain to get in gear. Plus, Ryan was cuddling all up on his side like a large dog, which was both inviting and distracting simultaneously.

“Uploads?” 

“...Yes. The Buzzfeed uploads department. Responsible for the uploads of the Buzzfeed Network.” 

John’s voice was clearly unamused, and _oh shit_ , the video! 

“Oh yeah, uh, hi John. Sorry, I’m with you.” 

“Indeed.” Came John’s voice, dry-roasted, and Ryan was snorting into his shoulder at Shane’s incompetence. “I was told to contact you as a matter of urgency, which is particularly inconvenient on the night of my wedding anniversary, but I understand no one else in my department could be contacted.” 

“Oh, uh. Wedding anniversary?” Shane said eloquently, feeling like a schoolboy being chastised by an old and wise teacher. 

“Yes, my tenth wedding anniversary, thank you for asking.” 

“Congratulations?” Shane offered weakly, trying to slap at Ryan’s chest that was heaving with laughter next to him. 

“I understand there has been a mislabelling in the most recent upload concerning yourself and Ryan Bergara. You were incorrectly toted as a couple. I must offer my apologies for such an oversight.” 

Ryan was practically pissing himself with laughter next to Shane, and Shane had to fight very hard to keep the amusement out of his own voice, a smile threatening to break his face as he took in the reality of talking to a Buzzfeed authority over the phone with his softening dick hanging out of his jeans, covered in Ryan’s come.

“That’s alright, sir.”

“Now, how urgent is the renaming of the video? Do you need me to leave my dinner and go at once? I’m about thirty minutes away from the office.” 

Ryan let out a hoot of laughter next to him, and Shane was getting the sneaking suspicion that perhaps John knew more than he was letting on, because unless he was mistaken there was a thread of humour winding into his voice. 

“You know what, John, it’s not that urgent. The video was a mislabelling at the time, but, uh. It’s perhaps a little more accurate now.” Shane’s voice wavered with the effort of not laughing. Ryan let out another ugly snort into his shoulder.

“Mmm-hmm. I see.” 

“So, uh,” Shane said, coughing to cover up the laughter, “You enjoy your dinner, don’t worry about the video. And happy anniversary. Thank you!” 

Shane clicked to end the call as quickly as possible, collapsing back against the bed and finally letting himself laugh the pent up humour out of his chest. 

“Nice and smooth there, Madej. He didn’t suspect a thing.” Ryan said, grinning that Cali-boy sunshine smile with all those white, white teeth, and Shane was kissing his still-grinning mouth when Ryan had barely finished his sentence. 

Ryan kissed him back, bringing a hand up to smooth along Shane’s cheek, and Shane smiled. 

“You’re the worst.” He said between kisses. “Leaving me to deal with John like that. I was floundering, Ryan. Floundering, I tell you!” 

Ryan kissed him again, partially because it was wonderful and partially to shut him up.

“I’ll call Katy as a compromise.” Ryan offered, and Shane took it for a half-victory. He tossed his phone somewhere, uncaring when he heard it clunk onto the floor, and brushed his lips over Ryan’s gently in a way that said “ _I’m catching feelings_ ”. Ryan curved a hand across Shane’s cheek, and yeah. Katy could wait.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it! If you did, please leave a comment letting me know, and I absolutely love feedback and constructive criticism, so all of that is very welcome. ❤️
> 
> Also, leave a prompt in the comments if you’re so inclined! 
> 
> My tumblr is: screweduphearts.


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